Alcoholics Anonymous Oregon Area 58
Hospitals Committee:
INSIDE OUT
Volume 1, Article 2
Today, I Am a Miracle
Hi, my name is J-----. and I am an alcoholic/addict. As of February 11, 2003
I have seventeen months clean and sober. But, for now, I only have today.
With the help of my Higher Power and through working the Twelve Steps, today
I have a sense of peace. My life, which was filled with hopelessness and pain,
has been transformed into a life filled with hope, love, inspiration, and
miracles.
I used to wonder what the significance was when it came to the camel and
AA. I later found out that the reason for the camel is because he starts his
day on his knees and then ends his day on his knees. Today, I do the same.
My morning begins with asking my Higher Power, whom I call God, to walk with
me throughout the day. I thank Him for my success in staying sober for the
last twenty-four hours and then ask him to please help me be successful with
the next twenty-four. I believe so long as I ask for his guidance, he is not
going to stand me up my time of need. I did not always have such belief, faith,
and direction in my life.
I started out drinking when I started babysitting as a little girl. My work
consisted of keeping the kids out out of the way, getting into the liquor,
drinking and stealing as much as I thought I could get away with. I would
try to hide what I stole by adding water to the bottle. Many times I would
take a thermos of liquor to school. Sometimes getting so intoxicated that
I would end up making a fool of myself in the following class. I started stealing
wine from stores, embarrassing my friends, and the whole time I thought of
myself as the life of every party. Alcohol was not enough for me and I began
mixing drugs with my partying. In ’82, I began my good time—a
nice escape from reality. This led me right down a road to degradation, depression,
and madness.
I have been incarcerated at Oregon State Hospital since 1999. On day in early
1998 I drank some whiskey, stole my father’s truck, rear-ended a car,
then crashed into a side of a guard rail. I plead guilty by reason of insanity
to several charges from “Unauthorized use of a Motor Vehicle,”
“Reckless Driving,” “Driving Under the Influence,”
and “Assault Three.” I am doing five years under the Psychiatric
Security Review Board. I wish I could say that coming here was my bottom but
that was not the case for me. I continued in my sickness, using whatever substance
I could find until enough pain in my life brought me to surrender.
Realizing I had finally come to my bottom, I looked at myself and how unmanageable
my life had become. I accepted the fact that I was powerless over my addictions
and I knew in my heart that the only one who could save me from this insanity
was a loving Higher Power.
Today I have so much to be grateful for. God willing, I will leave the hospital
this year and enter a treatment center. I am working my ninth step, making
amends to those I have hurt. I have made amends to one of my sons. It was
such a relief to tell him how much I truly loved him and how sorry I was for
not being there for him. He took a huge burden off my soul when he looked
at me and said, “I already know all of this Mom.” Some of my amends
are not going to be so well received but I can only do the footwork and leave
the results up to the Big Man. Today, I am a Miracle.
J (Female—age 33)
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